Content, proposal, and analysis (“CPA”) marketing and writing services.
But what in the heck does Bredemarket DO?
During the first 21 days of March, my biometric, identity, and technology clients received blog posts, an ebook, emails, a landing page, slides, a press release, a Request for Information (RFI) response, a process, and other things.
Can I help your firm? Let me know on my “CPA” page.
I have been amused by press releases for many years.
You’re reading along in the press release and then you get to a quote from an executive with the company issuing the press release.
“MegaCorp’s new best-of-breed revolutionary platform will increase artificial intelligence synergies and optimize blockchain outcomes,” said Silas Phelps, Chief Executive Officer and Strategist at MegaCorp. “Did I mention pickleball?” he added.
Sometimes the executive has even read the quote before publication. Or maybe not. Because in most cases the quote was written by someone else.
The marketing flack who is pretending to speak for Ontario Emperor put some new words in his mouth for this release. “Yes, I am self-proclaiming this to be the greatest electronic album ever,” stated Ontario. “And in all honesty, the songs are more developed than the ones on my previous releases. Each of the twelve songs evokes a particular mood, although I will leave it to the listener to determine what these moods may be.”
Empoprises’ John E. Bredehoft also had some words put into his mouth. “Our experience with Bandcamp has been very fruitful,” Bredehoft supposedly said. “We look forward to expanding our relationship with Bandcamp in the future.”
As an aside, the Ontario Emperor electronic album “Drains to Ocean” is still available for purchase ($8 “or more”) at https://ontarioemperor.bandcamp.com/album/drains-to-ocean. Or you can save yourself some money and listen to one of the songs, “For a Meaningful Apocryphal Animation,” for FREE by scrolling to the bottom of Bredemarket’s “Information” page. (And to the bottom of this post.)
One more aside that may be of interest to a few of you: the drain pictured above is a few buildings west of IDEMIA’s LaPalma office in Anaheim Hills.
But years later, the whole thing became less of a joke.
Climbing
Madison Square Garden News Release 1974. Arnold wasn’t quoted. It wasn’t like he was an important government official or a wildly popular movie star or anything. – RMY Auctions, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=104969591.
Why?
Because one of Bredemarket’s clients required a draft press release, and I wrote the first draft, including quotes from “Executive X.”
Now I didn’t make these quotes up out of whole cloth, taking them from an internal client document.
But Executive X thought they were a little off, so the executive, myself, and a third person got together to hammer out a new quote that was more in line with something Executive X would say.
And I’m glad we did. Even though the vast majority of people who read the press release never knew Executive X, those who did know the executive would be pleased with the quote. Hopefully it sounded somewhat more authentic than the usual run-of-the-mill quotes found in press releases.
I stubbornly think that readers will reward authenticity someday. At least the good readers will.
But I failed in one respect. I didn’t create an apocryphal animation to go with the quote. But that’s a topic for another time.
Knell Computer announced Friday that it is eliminating wi-fi capabilities from its business computer product lines.
“At Knell Computer, we strongly believe that the best work occurs in a traditional office environment,” according to Gabriel Knell, CEO. “Since modern offices are fully equipped with Ethernet cabling, wi-fi is an unnecessary expense. Removal of wi-fi allows us to sell Knell Computers at a lower price point than our competitors, providing cost savings to our customers.”
Knell will promote this innovation with an ad campaign in major city downtown business districts, where it will attract the attention of real workers.
Gabriel Knell: “If you’re an amateur who performs so-called ‘work’ at home in your shorts, rather than from a true cubicle office environment, feel free to buy wi-fi computers from our competitors. We are embarrassed to see the Knell logo in a coffee shop—or in a converted bedroom.”
In a related announcement, Knell will incorporate technology that “red flags” the use of any Knell computer in a residential zone.
Generated by Google Gemini.
For those of you who don’t know much about Knell Computer, LinkedIn’s helpful AI feature provided contextual detail, including answers to critical questions:
“What is Knell Computer known for?”
“How will removing wi-fi impact office environments?”
“What is the significance of the technology preventing residential use?”
All of these answers, sourced from information found in LinkedIn and on the Internet, were undoubtedly helpful.
But LinkedIn AI appears to have missed one teeny tiny thing.
Since I’m not engaged in full-time product marketing (although I perform some product marketing activities for my Bredemarket clients), I sometimes spend my time writing other things.
Like fake press releases for fake products from fake companies.
Who is the real Knell Computer?
But I think that most of you figured out that Knell Computer and its head Gabriel Knell are based upon Dell Computer and its head Michael Dell.
(Note the “angelic” naming here. And no, I’m not naming anything after Lucifer.)
Dell’s two classes of workers
And most of you know why Dell Computer was suddenly in the news in May, and actually a little before that, as this Forbes article indicates.
Dell’s new remote-work policy will categorize its workers into two main groups: remote and hybrid.
Hybrid workers must agree to come into an “approved” office at least 39 days each quarter. This is roughly the equivalent of three days per week. Remote workers do not have to come into an approved office at all. However, remote workers aren’t eligible for promotion or to change jobs within the company.
According to the Register, Dell confirmed the 39 days/quarter requirement, and explained why it believed it was important.
In a statement, a Dell spokesperson told The Register, “We shared with team members our updated hybrid work policy. Team members in hybrid roles will be onsite at a Dell Technologies office at least 39 days per quarter (on average three days a week). In today’s global technology revolution, we believe in-person connections paired with a flexible approach are critical to drive innovation and value differentiation.”
Starting next Monday, May 13, the enterprise hardware slinger plans to make weekly site visit data from its badge tracking available to employees through the corporation’s human capital management software…
Let me just pause right there. Any time that you read something about “human capital management,” your antennae should go up.
Blue flags are good, red flags are bad
But let’s get back to how Dell is managing its carbon-based capital.
…and to give them color-coded ratings that summarize their status. Those ratings are:
Bredemarket’s fake press release…and you’ll never believe what happened next!
So that was the situation as of June 1 when Knell Computer issued its press release, complete with “red flag” capability.
I’m forced to confess that Knell Computer’s product marketing efforts didn’t really make an impact. (I KNEW I should have included the press release in the Bredemarket blog. Better late than never.)
But Dell Computer’s efforts truly impacted its employees…but not in the way that Dell Computer wanted.
A few weeks after Knell Computer’s product marketing effort, stories began to emerge about what was happening at the real Dell. Here’s part of what Ars Technica said on June 20:
Dell announced a new return-to-office initiative earlier this year. In the new plan, workers had to classify themselves as remote or hybrid.
Those who classified themselves as hybrid are subject to a tracking system….
Alternatively, by classifying themselves as remote, workers agree they can no longer be promoted or hired into new roles within the company.
Business Insider claims it has seen internal Dell tracking data that reveals nearly 50 percent of the workforce opted to accept the consequences of staying remote, undermining Dell’s plan to restore its in-office culture.
But haven’t they killed their chances for promotion or lateral moves?
“But wait!” you’re saying. “So many people are willing to forgo promotion at Dell, or even to apply to new positions at Dell?”
Yes. Because here’s a dirty little secret:
Dell employees can leave Dell and work for other companies.
Granted many other companies aren’t remote-friendly either (believe me, I know), but those that are have an opportunity to scoop up Dell’s best and brightest.
Does Dell dissatisfaction provide an opportunity for me?
And as the Dell workers leave, this provides an opportunity for yours truly. After all, I’d be happy to report to Dell’s office in Ontario, California. So I went to see what opportunities I’d have.
Bredemarket 