On June 1, I shared a little piece on Bredemarket’s social media channels, including a post on the Bredemarket Technology Firm Services page on LinkedIn.
It was an announcement from Knell Computer.
Knell Computer announced Friday that it is eliminating wi-fi capabilities from its business computer product lines.
“At Knell Computer, we strongly believe that the best work occurs in a traditional office environment,” according to Gabriel Knell, CEO. “Since modern offices are fully equipped with Ethernet cabling, wi-fi is an unnecessary expense. Removal of wi-fi allows us to sell Knell Computers at a lower price point than our competitors, providing cost savings to our customers.”
Knell will promote this innovation with an ad campaign in major city downtown business districts, where it will attract the attention of real workers.
Gabriel Knell: “If you’re an amateur who performs so-called ‘work’ at home in your shorts, rather than from a true cubicle office environment, feel free to buy wi-fi computers from our competitors. We are embarrassed to see the Knell logo in a coffee shop—or in a converted bedroom.”
In a related announcement, Knell will incorporate technology that “red flags” the use of any Knell computer in a residential zone.
For those of you who don’t know much about Knell Computer, LinkedIn’s helpful AI feature provided contextual detail, including answers to critical questions:
- “What is Knell Computer known for?”
- “How will removing wi-fi impact office environments?”
- “What is the significance of the technology preventing residential use?”
All of these answers, sourced from information found in LinkedIn and on the Internet, were undoubtedly helpful.
But LinkedIn AI appears to have missed one teeny tiny thing.
Knell Computer is not a real company
Since I’m not engaged in full-time product marketing (although I perform some product marketing activities for my Bredemarket clients), I sometimes spend my time writing other things.
Like fake press releases for fake products from fake companies.
Who is the real Knell Computer?
But I think that most of you figured out that Knell Computer and its head Gabriel Knell are based upon Dell Computer and its head Michael Dell.
(Note the “angelic” naming here. And no, I’m not naming anything after Lucifer.)
Dell’s two classes of workers
And most of you know why Dell Computer was suddenly in the news in May, and actually a little before that, as this Forbes article indicates.
Dell’s new remote-work policy will categorize its workers into two main groups: remote and hybrid.
Hybrid workers must agree to come into an “approved” office at least 39 days each quarter. This is roughly the equivalent of three days per week. Remote workers do not have to come into an approved office at all. However, remote workers aren’t eligible for promotion or to change jobs within the company.
According to the Register, Dell confirmed the 39 days/quarter requirement, and explained why it believed it was important.
In a statement, a Dell spokesperson told The Register, “We shared with team members our updated hybrid work policy. Team members in hybrid roles will be onsite at a Dell Technologies office at least 39 days per quarter (on average three days a week). In today’s global technology revolution, we believe in-person connections paired with a flexible approach are critical to drive innovation and value differentiation.”
Are the hybrid workers coming to the office?
But the Dell statement didn’t say HOW Dell would know who was in the office. The Register supplied that additional detail; Dell was reported to use tracking and color coding.
Starting next Monday, May 13, the enterprise hardware slinger plans to make weekly site visit data from its badge tracking available to employees through the corporation’s human capital management software…
Let me just pause right there. Any time that you read something about “human capital management,” your antennae should go up.
Blue flags are good, red flags are bad
But let’s get back to how Dell is managing its carbon-based capital.
…and to give them color-coded ratings that summarize their status. Those ratings are:
Blue flag indicates “consistent onsite presence”
Green flag indicates “regular onsite presence”
Yellow flag indicates “some onsite presence”
Red flag indicates “limited onsite presence”
Bredemarket’s fake press release…and you’ll never believe what happened next!
So that was the situation as of June 1 when Knell Computer issued its press release, complete with “red flag” capability.
I’m forced to confess that Knell Computer’s product marketing efforts didn’t really make an impact. (I KNEW I should have included the press release in the Bredemarket blog. Better late than never.)
But Dell Computer’s efforts truly impacted its employees…but not in the way that Dell Computer wanted.
We Don’t Need No Color Code
No, not the Steve Taylor song.
The Dell human capital management method that ranked hybrid employees based upon their willingness to work in the office.
Dell employees make their choices
A few weeks after Knell Computer’s product marketing effort, stories began to emerge about what was happening at the real Dell. Here’s part of what Ars Technica said on June 20:
Dell announced a new return-to-office initiative earlier this year. In the new plan, workers had to classify themselves as remote or hybrid.
Those who classified themselves as hybrid are subject to a tracking system….
Alternatively, by classifying themselves as remote, workers agree they can no longer be promoted or hired into new roles within the company.
Business Insider claims it has seen internal Dell tracking data that reveals nearly 50 percent of the workforce opted to accept the consequences of staying remote, undermining Dell’s plan to restore its in-office culture.
But haven’t they killed their chances for promotion or lateral moves?
“But wait!” you’re saying. “So many people are willing to forgo promotion at Dell, or even to apply to new positions at Dell?”
Yes. Because here’s a dirty little secret:
Dell employees can leave Dell and work for other companies.
Granted many other companies aren’t remote-friendly either (believe me, I know), but those that are have an opportunity to scoop up Dell’s best and brightest.
Does Dell dissatisfaction provide an opportunity for me?
And as the Dell workers leave, this provides an opportunity for yours truly. After all, I’d be happy to report to Dell’s office in Ontario, California. So I went to see what opportunities I’d have.
It turns out that Ontario, California is not one of Dell’s officially approved hybrid work locations. I’d have to drive to Utah, Texas, or Oklahoma three days a week.
But hey, I’m not the only marketer affected by Dell’s work policies. Silicon Valley marketers can’t work hybrid at Dell either.
We’ll all see what happens next
I’ll continue to monitor how this plays out. Perhaps Knell Computer may issue a second press release.
Which LinkedIn AI will take as the truth.
Bredemarket 